Sunday, November 29, 2020
English English
2014-03-16 13h36 49
One could say that William Ramirez was born for music...and they'd be right.
As a child, Ramirez's home was always filled with the gospel music that his mother favored. Listening to secular music was a rare treat for him and his four brothers and sisters. Issues in the family home left Ramirez homeless at the age 11. Wandering the city streets of the San Francisco Bay Area, he found shelter and food through church charities and city sponsored homeless programs.
At the age of 12 he began learning to play "air" drums by listening to the drum parts in songs on the radio while dreaming to play in a real band. "Billy" was the homeless kid that had the drum sticks sticking out of his back pocket, beating on buckets and tapping on whatever he could to kill time. It wasn’t until a local musician friend, Joe Rossi, got him behind a real drum set at the age of 16 that playing real drums with a real band became a reality. Billy learned to play the drums way before he actually touched one. One could say he dreamed how to play.
Bouncing from band to band, Ramirez began his life-long musical journey, picking up other instruments along the way: bass, guitar, and even lead singing; anything a group needed, he was always eager and open to do, anything just as long as he could be in a band. He spent the rest of his teen life homeless in and around the local music clubs, always hanging around the practice pads in the Bay Area and in "People's Park" in Berkeley.
At the age of 18, he got into a relationship, got married, had three kids, and eventually disappeared off the map of the music scene. He continued composing songs on an old four track, playing the bass, drums, and guitar, as well as singing, sometimes coming up with as many as four or five songs ideas a day. Having time to be with his family, he settled down and worked in solitude, nursing ideas, not having any friends. He was always the stoic/loner type. Having lived on the streets he found a personal relationship with God that was as good as it got. Now that he had his own family and home, it was a lot more then he had ever had. Billy remained isolated with his music for 10 years. He prayed that one day he could do something productive. Then one day Billy's mother stopped in for a visit and brought a friend from her church. She said that God told her in prayer at church to bring this guy over to meet Billy. This guy turned out to be a drummer named Dave Affonso. Billy and Dave talked about the idea of putting a band together.
It was not until 1995 that Ramirez finally formed his first band "Silent Confession" a crossover christian band with lyrics about personal spiritual struggles, himself on guitar and lead vocals, with friend Dave Affonso on drums, and bass player Hank Powel. About a year into practice the first of a series of tragedies struck the band with Affonso being shot point blank with a .45 six times by a jealous ex-husband, who also shot and killed his ex-wife who Affonso had been walking down the street with.
Affonso miraculously survived the shooting and recovered, after sometime in the hospital, to regroup and play in the band, forming a hard rock trio playing gigs around the San Francisco Bay Area, including the famous Six Flags in Vallejo.
Silent Confession put out the 2000 release "Wake Up Forever", after which the band took a short leave of absence. During that time new 17 year old bass player Corey, who had replaced the original bass player Powel a year before, was killed by a local gang, mistaking him for someone else.
At this same time Ramirez went through a bitter divorce, after 16 years of marriage, with three kids in their teens. Homeless again after his divorce, Ramirez tried to regroup Silent Confession with a new lead singer, Stacey Clark, in 2003, but on the first day of official practice she was hit by a car being driven 40 mph, while walking home on the sidewalk after band practice. The driver was a teen who had fallen asleep at the wheel. After a month and two weeks in the hospital she walked out, recovering from three shattered vertebrae, a broken leg, concussion, and countless stitches, and in a "halo" traction device. Reviewing all the tragedy that plagued the members, Ramirez decided to end the band. Ramirez moved Clark to Lake Tahoe, the two started a small business, got married, and started a family. Five years later, Affonso and Ramirez, together with his wife, came together over dinner and talked about trying again.
In 2008 Ramirez changed the band's name to Silent Company, and recruited Dawn Culbreth as lead singer. Culbreth penned the regrouped trio's two new songs, "Pressure" and "Scream", which were included in the 2013 compilation album "Eternal". After three months and two songs of playing together in the studio the members dissolved due to monetary and geographical issues, until all members could be relocated closer to Ramirez's home base.
During this time Culbreth was in contact with Ramirez and had been making plans to get together to make more music, but Culbreth, in her 30's, tragically passed away in November of 2012 in her sleep.
Ramirez continued to seclude himself in his studio, putting down his guitar, loosing himself in experimental electronic music, sometimes reaching out to collaborate with other vocalists from around the world via the Internet, releasing over 20 tracks that he gave away for free through a website he created and developed himself,, but after so many years of hard work, the website all of sudden disappeared.
The website was totally erased. The friend of Ramirez who had owned the server just disappeared, going missing, never to be heard from again. The site was completely gone, without any backups, because it was the cloud server for all of Ramirez's saved site backups. The only thing left is screen captured images inside of Internet archive here: The now working website had to be rebuilt from scratch.
In the winter of 2013, Elisabeth Popp Sambleben briefly joined the group as lead vocalist/lyricist, but had to resign in May of 2014 for health reasons.
It was during this time that Silent Company had set itself toward releasing a new song every month, give or take, so Ramirez was left with only one option - pen the lyrics himself, just like the old days when it was him, a four-track, and a head full of song ideas, and to sing the tracks with his now-wife Stacey, Edd to the fans. She had remained a group member since her accident, in a more behind-the-scenes role, but now stepped forward to assist with vocal duties. All they had been through together had proved to be a catalyst for the "Dynamic Duo", as they've been called, to finally come together, releasing at least one song every 5-to-6 weeks for their growing number of fans and supporters, who they've dubbed "the Rockstars". Silent Company's tracks, to date, have won numerous awards at Beat100, Poze Productions, and around the web, and have been featured in international press releases. Their fan base on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube continues to grow, and the duo's outlook for 2018 and beyond is the most positive its ever been.
What? a movie now? Looks like the storyboard for a movie is in the works. If all goes well we could start shooting along side with the production of our next album. Will keep you posted.
UPDATE: Jan 15th 2020
As for any progress to anything in regards to this project, I have not had any updates. its been years now and still no changes except that its getting more closer to ending. I dont seem to have the same drive or inspiration to be up to making anything like a movie or compiling an album out of the demo quality songs that collected into the work of "Incarnation".
Having been going through the battle of my partners addiction to pain pills along with her ever growing side effects from this experience, Its left me hopeless and drained of any inspiration.
I also have my struggle with depressions and sadness on the count of all I personally have been through before now.
I am drug free myself and have had my struggles with getting off them way back in my late teens. But through the grace of God I have managed to stay clean and sober since then with just a few short lived relapses.
I've lost mostly all of my inspiration to be productive anymore. I'm feeling completely and utterly hopeless most of the time now,  I pray about it constantly for help to change, I pray for things to work themselves out so that we could get back to work on our music, and to finally press this album of ours.  But for years now its been slowly getting worse, like were stuck in an endless loop of hoping and praying and then facing failure despair as a result.
It all started to end when we completed writing our songs for the album back in 2016.  We put our songs out there raw in their rough draft state to test what tracks had promise. Most of them took on a life of their own and gained allot of interest with the public. We collected the best of all our work and decided to take them to their next level.  We began to shop around for session players, a studio, and a producer.  We had began meeting with a producer name Sefi Carmel who agreed to be our producer for a set price. We then found a drummer and an cello performer. The drummer possibly had our rhythm section, we just needed to set up a budget so he could pitch it to them. We had a film guy and made arrangements to meet with him to discuss how many cameras and what type of gear we were going to use to shoot a documentary style film.  We began researching locations for filming and story boarding concepts for some of the songs we were thingking to start the film with and began meetings about funding.
Then within a few weeks it all went out the window. We got thrown out of our place by police and had our entire home and work confiscated.
I was under the impression rent had been paid, but for months, it hadn't. I didn't even know, I was left in the dark not able to even see it coming till it was a pay or quit notice.  Turns out my wife and then business partner had worked up a complicated mess with our financial arrangements by placing all of our funds in a pinch with one of our long running clients, but when our client failed to pay up what was past due. Our whole operation collapsed . Having seen this as a possibility long before, I asked my partner to set up insurances ahead of it. but despite having suggested it several times as far back as a year, I was ignored.
In the end. we ended up in court fighting to prevent the results, and lost.
 We paid off what was past (truly) due, (she kept changing the past due amounts) yet we still could not stay, after the fight in court the landlord got so bitter she decided she had enough of our drama and denied us renting back the space.
The court allowed us a week to pack and vacate BUT! only a few days after court, cops came armed and threw us out giving us only 20 minutes to pack.
We drove away with blankets and our cloths, not having room or time to take our pets. We planed to come back for them, but we were warned that we would be arrested if we came back onto the property. Animal control took custody of our pets. charged us with abandonment, and to this day are still dealing with getting any of our pets back.
Allot of mistakes were made in the paperwork, in the court proceedings, and all through out the legal process of this nightmare. Turns out it was illegal how they did mostly all of this.
All this exploded just in a matter of weeks after sitting in meetings talking about our album and shooting a movie.
I never even seen it coming. it just showed up ..I never even knew she had an addiction problem until all this began to happen.
I did all I could to reclaim and bring us back to a "home" here in our new place. back as it was before except for our pets.
BUT we still have her opiate addiction...yep still here...even more obvious then before because its up front this time.
I'm alone in my struggles to find what I had before all this. nothing changed except the place we lived and the part of me that music came from.
I don't have a clue anymore how to tapp back into it. Like someplace inside is afraid to open that place up again. Those who know my history would understand this about me, my whole life's story has been a struggle to get my music to happen.
I pray all the time for it to come back. but its been years now. still nothing like before. yea I can play any of the old tracks, a little guitar along side with them..strum some chords on a guitar..but its dim and fading. and it becoming sad as hell listening to it dim out.
I want to take this site down and tell everyone its over. and i just keep saying give it another week. maybe something will change. someone new will come around and give me a charge and it will run again, who knows.
  Even if a million dollars showed up right now. I don't see how that could fix whats broken..shes broken and fading away inside her drug induced state of mind, and watching this everyday play out is eating me away.
I'm broken.
Money would just get her more drugs and further lost. whatever s left of hope will just become useless.
I get constant panic attacks now when she talks with slurs in her speech and she rolls her eyes back in her head whenever she nods off into those random opiate daydreams. Her ramblings run off into grand story's..loosing conversations that have meaning into off the wall points that are out of context.
The worst part about it is theirs no way she will admit WE have a problem! try and snap her back into reality only causes her to have an emotional melt down. I wont even mention what that looks like. lets just say Im not qualified to help her in that kind of state. But I cant just leave her like that either!  Rehab is a joke to her. she doesn't  even see herself having a problem. Its me whos having a problem with her drugs. I'm totally stuck in a crazy mind loop here..years of this now..and I'm loosing my mind, from the results seems like I did already.
I hate drugs! i love living raw clarity. see now thats just the worst part..its raw despair. At least if i was drinking i could blame the drinking for having something to do with the despair. even get some relief.
getting real close to taking that road.
Her running to these doctors to get her prescriptions filled , she sits for hours with them now, she came out recently from one of these appointments talking about how she now has lupus. its something new every time she goes it seems, she talking diabetes like its a one up on a game level . not like she has it..its like a goal!
Dont get me wrong, all these things are serious and i get scared for her life every time she drops one of these on the table. I get sad and mad and freaked out all at once. again an again. its like flash back to the day she got hit by that car and i held her head up on the side of that road in the dark as the cars headlights drove by shedding light on her eyes as she had what looked to be at the time to be a huge gash on the top of her head and her brains hanging out, while she said "i can feel my toes". always that same panic of im loosing her. I cant seem to dial that feeling back..its either on or off with her. im doing my best to keep perspective.
Her sleeping all day thing is not really a problem for me..i want her to rest, but shes always soo tired and cant seem to function normally for more then an hour or two.
I used to feel bad like I believed all her aces and pains and tried my best since 2002 to be understanding and be support but i dont see how im helping anymore. in fact im writing all this just to myself  because i dont have anyone I could trust to talk to about any of this. nobody. been like that for sooo many years now. keep our private life safe from haters and people who are constantly trying to take advantage.
  I suppose if i post this, it be like a message in a bottle tossed in an ocean of cyber space,  maybe like in a hundred years someone will read it. It feels like writing this at the least feels like I can talk to hope..even if its just a thought .
UPDATE: Feb 11 2020
I just went through 2 days straight on holding on to my sanity while she was fucked up on her opiate pills , there was no talking to her reasonably about anything. I tried to hang and be cool, but something snapped. something inside just stopped ticking.  found her in my heart laughing at me for trying. enough.
I give up.
Time for me to move on and let this just go where it goes..I cant anymore.
Just so people know..this page will come down sooner or later cause all hell is gonna start happening after i walk off this stage. but who knows..all this could change for the better for her now that im gone as she can live her life as she wants. funny how I somehow feel guilty for wanting to survive this. 17 years with her tells me I tried and failed to make it any better. its just gotten worse , maybe she can survive the change when professionals catch up to her. Im not good at all at fixing this for her, let alone can i see what I can do for fixing whats left of me after this.  walken down the road blind and broken for tryen already.

hey before anyone thinks i didnt give it enough, i been on this ride for the last 4 years with her loaded on this stuff. and been the one wiping the drool off the side of her lip along side with the tears when it became so obvious we were hurting from all this. Hell , i dont know how long shes been on the stuff cept for the last 4 years when it just became one crisis event to the next , what,  you think im suppose to soften up and get all supportive ? how about i started with that and it took it all away , is that something that real people can go through? does it get to that place when it melts through the skin and tear into a bone? nah. im super man an endless supply of having someone you love with all your heart walk down a 4 lane highway as the cars scream past and you know they are drunk and cant reason what is right in front of them? how about that person is a mother to your 14 year old kid! who has medical issues himself and cant reason through any kind of drama past a tiny cut,  so whats coming next?? i can see it . she doesn't care!?? she thinks im over reacting! do you? holy shit man!! yea! someone better cause .. never mind!
see this is like the level of drama that fires through my days and nights now..just breathing this and reasoning on ways to work through it so it dosnt go to that bad place for anyone here.  like im dong a good enough job now when she does what she wants and lies to hide it to my face as she slips into a mini coma between her thoughts  so much so i have to snap her back to being awake. for the last two nights she literally gets knocked out ,she falls asleep in one position and doesn't even move till she wakes up many hours later without a stir. dude its obvious..its dead sleep. coma like. shallow shes not breathing...thats rare for her..and scary as shit to lay next to her like that to even try and sleep myself. trust me i wake up allot to check and see if she breathing..fuck man! what its come to.
 I already took her once to the ER because she was so loaded. they just said to her cut it back..cut it out. and sent her home after she acted all this was a misunderstanding ooops too much last night.
yea were all adults here ..but seriously, stupid can get real at any age.
its like a train wreck and were caught in suspended animation and can see whats next..any second now.
I worry about my kid the most through all this..I wanna jump off and catch him. and her! but ya know..? yea.

reasonably i should just get off this ride and get my head together to fix what i can when it slides off the side of the road. at least in that place i can control what sort of drama lands in my kitchen, I can cook through that kind of sense rather then this melt down to feed out what I can call good to someone who might want it. or better yet use it for some good. like Eno. hes only 14 .

see i dont want to be the one to make things go where they want to go anyway. I have to jump the damage and rush to the catch. did it before through 3 kids with my other wife of 16 years. but in that instance i couldn't make it work out either. and didn't have a choice in that instance to play this same card. didn't end on the count of drugs then. it just ended cause of differences and pent up spite. Kids ended up hating me and i couldn't recover the aftermath. they hated i got married again, they hated my music and they hated me. i hated life living through all of they would love to see this end for me here. hell, so many haters , people i thought were friends who flipped on me , so many i stand alone right now. yep. not a person to tell . lol.  wow what a life right?
yea ..hero to none villain to all. how come? hell i dont know ! seriously. Im the last to know and the first to go.

odd though , im sooo numb right now ..sober for so many years still and typing all this..just feel dumb and stupid.
like i messed up finding the fix for any of this, and I feel like I deserve it somehow,

fug it. its just life. real as it gets..

see ya on the other side of this.

Cheers .
Updates:June 27th 2020 

Seems Edd has taken allot of things to heart and has made some hard changes to her willingness to try and cut back her doses, shes been doing well with adjusting. Im holding on to see how well we can turn this for the better. its been about 3 weeks now and its looking almost like we can break through to some alternative state of interacting. I cant make any promises but i know this is a hard bottom were hitting and stumbling through. usually these are when the real changes kick in. Im hopeful and optimistic and can feel a sense of awe growing..i dont exactly know from where it comes..i will take it from anywhere at this point..
stay tuned. were going to ride this through. see what shows up.

Update:August 24th 2020

Well..the story from the last update is that she had made some promises to cut back, it looked good like she was getting better after a week or so then out of nowhere she started going into these dream spells..glassy eyed, slow slurred speech, slow motion actions, constant itching, night i came while she was siting in bed watching tv and she was in all slumped over and her Cheetos was all over the half way off the plate and on the bed like it never made it to her mouth.. i though she done had a stroke or something..she came to like nothing happed..and it was funny to her..and i asked her what the hell is she on? if shes been cutting back like she said..and every time she goes into these spells ..she comes up with im tired..or i didnt take anything..just who is she after several back to back incident like this i decided to follow her around to see if she had been doing something out of her sayen of what she was doinig..sure enough ..i found her extra stash, a bottle of extra opiate pills in a box in the closet and called her on it..all i can say is her melt down from that is still in play as i type this. she agreed to let me hand her the pills when she is suppose to take them..and that put me in the worst place..i go through psychological attacks as well as spiritual breakdowns..i cant find any peace or sleep good..i already got kicked out to the garage and she took her pills back and then i was trying to find a ride to leave she took the phone and the car keys so i was stuck in the garage..hours went by and she came out to stop me from leaving and said sorry and handed me the pill bottle...i seen the pills were half empty and asked her if she took some out..and to my surprise she went inside walked to a cup in the kitchen and poured into her hand from the cup a hand full of I am now a week into doing this again..handing her her pills at the proper times and waiting for her to make the effort to tapper off like she agreed to. I dont have much hope in this going to end well at this point and have no place to go after this blows up like its still looking and its just hard.

Update: October 21 2020

Still here, waiting for her to change , still dealing with her getting loaded and preaching like shes just tired, I cant confront her she now gets dramatic and starts fights , follows me around now taunting me to say anything about it, she attacks any word I try to use in attempt to describe what im seeing, screams that i dont have the right to accuse her of taking anything, that if i dont have proof, i cant say or think shes blah blah just say to her shes showing "symptoms" of being under the influence, and leave it there, but nooo, Im crazy! seeing things, its all in my mind, and when i start to leave to get away to deal with my emotions about it all, she gets aggressive, starts to follow me around , grabs the phone..takes the car keys, locks me out, tells me i cant even pack my stuff to leave..and then tops it off with beating herself when i say i want to call the cops for help..she wont even let me use the phone that is "both ours"   Im feeling trapped and crazy as she attacks my ability to reason to deal with any of this on my own, she blames me for talking to my kids about it..who are grown up adults who have family's of their own..i took some video of her in this state..nodding out in between conversations , so many times that i could record it happening, this is my daily life for months...use to be every other day or its getting to be regular life around here...I dont run around all the time with a camera..its just that she making me feel i need to prove it ..god forbid i show her herself on video..she will attack me endlessly. claim i dont have a right to video her, stalking me around provoking me to delete it..dont people do that on their phones when they are being put into positions that are out of the ordinary? dont i get to document what im going through? im ALWAYS telling her now to go take a nap ..but she wont..she walks around and does things in fits, i should also mention the part that she builds her self up into a rage and balls up her fists and  proceeds to beat herself..literally punching herself in the head, shes the kind of person im learning now that will say i did that to her..seriously am starting to see that come out now as who she really is..this beating herself has always been a thing with her..she gets really emotional like that, builds things up into these psychotic tantrums - she looses her shit, i dont know why i was shocked one time when i went to grab my cloths out a drawer to put them into a garbage bag, to hurry up and get away from her.. she came at me so fast grabbing things out of my hand, i put my hand up to push her hand away from grabbing my cloths, then she started screaming i assaulted someone was in the room was just soo crazy..who was she yelling that too? always taking it to extreme mode.
Im not seeing any way to fix this except to get myself out of here..shes getting violent and more aggressive now in her attacks to push fights when i try to avoid her, i tell her she too loaded for me to be around she comes after me taunting me to prove it.-..but i prove it? .she will deny and delete anything i could show her, i know better to try any more, its just opens me up to her attacks..she gets aggressive and abusive provoking me so i cave to say she not making this all up and that I dont have any right to claim what is my own opinion that she is high and loaded, on something - i dont know what anymore... -Im trying to leave, I dont have no place to go, no job, no money, no friends that can help. 
but..i want to get her some help, but when she doesn't even want it cause shes fine..its just me..and if i leave im hurting selfish I dont appreciate anything good she ever did - and shell say things like what about our son, look what youl do to him if you leave. yea im still sitting here..loosing my mind. - through the years she bought all my gear i work with now, i built things up to make it all i do..she always told me to do the music and dont worry about anything else, and we never needed anything...i tried to get her into the music with me..putting her in the center as i just made the cause I cant work with her being loaded, Im the one whos ruining it all..and i dont get to take anything..just my cloths, no phone. nothing.. just as i came into this how ill leave.
Im tired of hiding this..and im tired for tryen now...aint got anything left, just the shame of believing all this was worth something ..soo burnt out from all this, im so done with it all.