Bill was born with Asperger Syndrome. He went through his life living with his symptoms, All the while he didn't know that he had it, till he was in his mid 50s.
As a child, Ramirez's home was always filled with the gospel music that his mother favored. Listening to secular music was a rare treat for him and his four brothers and sisters. Issues in the family home left Ramirez homeless and alone at the age 11. Wandering the city streets of the San Francisco Bay Area, he found shelter and food through church charities and city sponsored homeless programs through out the mission district and downtown tenderloin area as well as the handful of runaway youth shelters.
At the age of 12 he began learning to play "air" drums by listening to the drum parts in songs on the radio while dreaming to play in a real band. "Billy" was the homeless kid that had the drum sticks sticking out of his back pocket, beating on buckets and tapping on whatever he could to kill time. It wasn’t until a local musician friend, Joe Rossi, got him behind a real drum set at the age of 16 that playing real drums with a real band became a reality. Billy learned to play the drums way before he actually touched one. One could say he dreamed how to play.
Bouncing from band to band, Ramirez began his life-long musical journey, picking up other instruments along the way: bass, guitar, and even lead singing; anything a group needed, he was always eager and open to do, anything just as long as he could be in a band. He spent the rest of his teen life homeless in and around the local music clubs, always hanging around the practice pads in the Bay Area and in "People's Park" in Berkeley, He kept to himself mostly, always found drum circles that would spring up on the Berkeley campus , there was always new bands needing a drummer or some help. he spent the good part of his teen struggling with his Asperger symptoms, much of his problem was that he wanted to live a good christian lifestyle, installed by his mother and early family upbringing, but didnt have any church that he was accepted in or had friends who wanted to be in a christian band. he always had the idea all his suffering had to be because God wanted him to do what was right. The Asperger syndrome was something he didnt know he had, he was always isolating himself away from people cause they were 'bad' influence to do whats good..allot of things he was going through on the social front had allot to do with his Aspergers, symptoms, he was always looking for little private places to pray often crying for God to help him out. He figured the more he did that ..the better his chances would be find a good band or set of friends to be comfortable with. He found no band or friends through his teen years that could live up to his hopes and prayers. he took it as a sign that God had other plans.
At the age of 18, he got into a relationship, got married, had three kids, and eventually disappeared off the map of the music scene. He continued composing songs on an old four track, playing the bass, drums, and guitar, as well as singing, sometimes coming up with as many as four or five songs ideas a day. Having time to be with his family, he settled down and worked in solitude, nursing ideas, not having any friends. He was always alone without any friends, having lived on the streets he found his personal relationship with God was as good as it ever got.
Now that he had his own family and home, it was a lot more then he had ever had. Billy remained isolated with his music for 10 more years praying that one day he could do something productive with his old music companion. Then one day Billy's mother stopped in for a visit and brought a friend from her church. She said that God told her in prayer at church to bring this guy over to meet Billy. This guy turned out to be a drummer named Dave Affonso. Billy and Dave talked about the idea of putting a christian group together to play outside and inside of the churches.
Now that he had his own family and home, it was a lot more then he had ever had. Billy remained isolated with his music for 10 more years praying that one day he could do something productive with his old music companion. Then one day Billy's mother stopped in for a visit and brought a friend from her church. She said that God told her in prayer at church to bring this guy over to meet Billy. This guy turned out to be a drummer named Dave Affonso. Billy and Dave talked about the idea of putting a christian group together to play outside and inside of the churches.
It was not until 1995 that Ramirez finally formed his first band "Silent Confession" a crossover christian band with lyrics about personal spiritual struggles, himself on guitar and lead vocals, with friend Dave Affonso on drums, and bass player Hank Powel. About a year into practice the first of a series of tragedies struck the band with Affonso being shot point blank with a .45 six times by a jealous ex-husband, who also shot and killed his ex-wife who Affonso had been walking down the street with.
Affonso miraculously survived the shooting and recovered, after sometime in the hospital, to regroup and play in the band, forming a hard rock trio playing gigs around the San Francisco Bay Area, including the famous Six Flags in Vallejo.
Silent Confession put out the 2000 release "Wake Up Forever", after which the band took a short leave of absence. During that time new 17 year old bass player Corey, who had replaced the original bass player Powel a year before, was killed by a local gang, mistaking him for someone else.At this same time Ramirez went through a bitter divorce, after 16 years of marriage, with three kids in their teens. Homeless again after his divorce, Ramirez tried to regroup Silent Confession with a new lead singer, Stacey Clark, in 2003, but on the first day of official practice she was hit by a car being driven 40 mph, while walking home on the sidewalk after band practice. The driver was a teen who had fallen asleep at the wheel. After a month and two weeks in the hospital she walked out, recovering from three shattered vertebrae, a broken leg, concussion, and countless stitches, and in a "halo" traction device. Reviewing all the tragedy that plagued the members, Ramirez decided to end the band. Ramirez moved Clark to Lake Tahoe, the two started a small business, got married, and started a family. Five years later, Affonso and Ramirez, together with his wife, came together over dinner and talked about trying again.
In 2008 Ramirez changed the band's name to Silent Company, and recruited Dawn Culbreth as lead singer. Culbreth penned the regrouped trio's two new songs, "Pressure" and "Scream", which were included in the 2013 compilation album "Eternal". After three months and two songs of playing together in the studio the members dissolved due to monetary and geographical issues, until all members could be relocated closer to Ramirez's home base.
During this time Culbreth was in contact with Ramirez and had been making plans to get together to make more music, but Culbreth, in her 30's, tragically passed away in November of 2012 in her sleep.
Ramirez continued to seclude himself in his studio, putting down his guitar, loosing himself in experimental electronic music, sometimes reaching out to collaborate with other vocalists from around the world via the Internet, releasing over 20 tracks that he gave away for free through a website he created and developed himself, www.silent-company.com., but after so many years of hard work, the website all of sudden disappeared.
The website was totally erased. The friend of Ramirez who had owned the server just disappeared, going missing, never to be heard from again. The site was completely gone, without any backups, because it was the cloud server for all of Ramirez's saved site backups. The only thing left is screen captured images inside of Internet archive here: https://web.archive.org/web/20131021131028/http://www.silent-company.com/index.php. The now working website had to be rebuilt from scratch.
In the winter of 2013, Elisabeth Popp Sambleben briefly joined the group as lead vocalist/lyricist, but had to resign in May of 2014 for health reasons.
It was during this time that Silent Company had set itself toward releasing a new song every month, give or take, so Ramirez was left with only one option - pen the lyrics himself, just like the old days when it was him, a four-track, and a head full of song ideas, and to sing the tracks with his now-wife Stacey, Edd to the fans. She had remained a group member since her accident, in a more behind-the-scenes role, but now stepped forward to assist with vocal duties. All they had been through together had proved to be a catalyst for the "Dynamic Duo", as they've been called, to finally come together, releasing at least one song every 5-to-6 weeks for their growing number of fans and supporters, who they've dubbed "the Rockstars". Silent Company's tracks, to date, have won numerous awards at Beat100, Poze Productions, and around the web, and have been featured in international press releases. Their fan base on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube continues to grow, and the duo's outlook for 2018 and beyond is the most positive its ever been.
2017
What? a movie now? Looks like the storyboard for a movie is in the works. If all goes well we could start shooting along side with the production of our next album. Will keep you posted.
UPDATE: Jan 15th 2020
As for any progress to anything in regards to this project, I have not had any updates. its been years now and still no changes except that its getting more closer to ending. I dont seem to have the same drive or inspiration to be up to making anything like a movie or compiling an album out of the demo quality songs that collected into the work of "Incarnation".
Having been going through the battle of my partners addiction to pain pills along with her ever growing side effects from this experience, Its left me hopeless and drained of any inspiration.
I also have my struggle with depressions and sadness on the count of all I personally have been through before now.
I am drug free myself and have had my struggles with getting off them way back in my late teens. But through the grace of God I have managed to stay clean and sober since then with just a few short lived relapses.
I've lost mostly all of my inspiration to be productive anymore. I'm feeling completely and utterly hopeless most of the time now, I pray about it constantly for help to change, I pray for things to work themselves out so that we could get back to work on our music, and to finally press this album of ours. But for years now its been slowly getting worse, like were stuck in an endless loop of hoping and praying and then facing failure despair as a result.
It all started to end when we completed writing our songs for the album back in 2016. We put our songs out there raw in their rough draft state to test what tracks had promise. Most of them took on a life of their own and gained allot of interest with the public. We collected the best of all our work and decided to take them to their next level. We began to shop around for session players, a studio, and a producer. We had began meeting with a producer name Sefi Carmel who agreed to be our producer for a set price. We then found a drummer and an cello performer. The drummer possibly had our rhythm section, we just needed to set up a budget so he could pitch it to them. We had a film guy and made arrangements to meet with him to discuss how many cameras and what type of gear we were going to use to shoot a documentary style film. We began researching locations for filming and story boarding concepts for some of the songs we were thingking to start the film with and began meetings about funding.
Then within a few weeks it all went out the window. We got thrown out of our place by police and had our entire home and work confiscated.
I was under the impression rent had been paid, but for months, it hadn't. I didn't even know, I was left in the dark not able to even see it coming till it was a pay or quit notice. Turns out my wife and then business partner had worked up a complicated mess with our financial arrangements by placing all of our funds in a pinch with one of our long running clients, but when our client failed to pay up what was past due. Our whole operation collapsed . Having seen this as a possibility long before, I asked my partner to set up insurances ahead of it. but despite having suggested it several times as far back as a year, I was ignored.
In the end. we ended up in court fighting to prevent the results, and lost.
We paid off what was past (truly) due, (she kept changing the past due amounts) yet we still could not stay, after the fight in court the landlord got so bitter she decided she had enough of our drama and denied us renting back the space.
The court allowed us a week to pack and vacate BUT! only a few days after court, cops came armed and threw us out giving us only 20 minutes to pack.
We drove away with blankets and our cloths, not having room or time to take our pets. We planed to come back for them, but we were warned that we would be arrested if we came back onto the property. Animal control took custody of our pets. charged us with abandonment, and to this day are still dealing with getting any of our pets back.
Allot of mistakes were made in the paperwork, in the court proceedings, and all through out the legal process of this nightmare. Turns out it was illegal how they did mostly all of this.
All this exploded just in a matter of weeks after sitting in meetings talking about our album and shooting a movie.
I never even seen it coming. it just showed up ..I never even knew she had an addiction problem until all this began to happen.
I did all I could to reclaim and bring us back to a "home" here in our new place. back as it was before except for our pets.
BUT we still have her opiate addiction...yep still here...even more obvious then before because its up front this time.
I'm alone in my struggles to find what I had before all this. nothing changed except the place we lived and the part of me that music came from.
I don't have a clue anymore how to tap back into it. Like someplace inside is afraid to open that place up again. Those who know my history would understand this about me, my whole life's story has been a struggle to get my music to happen.
I pray all the time for it to come back. but its been years now. still nothing like before. yea I can play any of the old tracks, somewhat..play a little guitar along side with them..strum some chords on a guitar..but its dim and fading. and it becoming sad as hell listening to it dim out.
I want to take this site down and tell everyone its over. and i just keep saying give it another week. maybe something will change. someone new will come around and give me a charge and it will run again, who knows.
Even if a million dollars showed up right now. I don't see how that could fix whats broken..shes broken and fading away inside her drug induced state of mind, and watching this everyday play out is eating me away.
I'm broken.
Money would just get her more drugs and further lost. whatever s left of hope will just become useless.
I get constant panic attacks now when she talks with slurs in her speech and she rolls her eyes back in her head whenever she nods off into those random opiate daydreams. Her ramblings run off into grand story's..loosing conversations that have meaning into off the wall points that are out of context.
The worst part about it is theirs no way she will admit WE have a problem! try and snap her back into reality only causes her to have an emotional melt down. I wont even mention what that looks like. lets just say Im not qualified to help her in that kind of state. But I cant just leave her like that either! Rehab is a joke to her. she doesn't even see herself having a problem. Its me whos having a problem with her drugs. I'm totally stuck in a crazy mind loop here..years of this now..and I'm loosing my mind, from the results seems like I did already.
I hate drugs! i love living raw clarity. see now thats just the worst part..its raw despair. At least if i was drinking i could blame the drinking for having something to do with the despair. even get some relief.
getting real close to taking that road.
Her running to these doctors to get her prescriptions filled , she sits for hours with them now, she came out recently from one of these appointments talking about how she now has lupus. its something new every time she goes it seems, she talking diabetes like its a one up on a game level . not like she has it..its like a goal!
Dont get me wrong, all these things are serious and i get scared for her life every time she drops one of these on the table. I get sad and mad and freaked out all at once. again an again. its like flash back to the day she got hit by that car and i held her head up on the side of that road in the dark as the cars headlights drove by shedding light on her eyes as she had what looked to be at the time to be a huge gash on the top of her head and her brains hanging out, while she said "i can feel my toes". always that same panic of im loosing her. I cant seem to dial that feeling back..its either on or off with her. im doing my best to keep perspective.
Her sleeping all day thing is not really a problem for me..i want her to rest, but shes always soo tired and cant seem to function normally for more then an hour or two.
I used to feel bad like I believed all her aces and pains and tried my best since 2002 to be understanding and be support but i dont see how im helping anymore. in fact im writing all this just to myself because i dont have anyone I could trust to talk to about any of this. nobody. been like that for sooo many years now. keep our private life safe from haters and people who are constantly trying to take advantage.
I suppose if i post this, it be like a message in a bottle tossed in an ocean of cyber space, maybe like in a hundred years someone will read it. It feels like writing this at the least feels like I can talk to hope..even if its just a thought .
UPDATE: Feb 11 2020
I just went through 2 days straight on holding on to my sanity while she was fucked up on her opiate pills , there was no talking to her reasonably about anything. I tried to hang and be cool, but something snapped. something inside just stopped ticking. found her in my heart laughing at me for trying. enough.
I give up.
Time for me to move on and let this just go where it goes..I cant anymore.
Just so people know..this page will come down sooner or later cause all hell is gonna start happening after i walk off this stage. but who knows..all this could change for the better for her now that im gone as she can live her life as she wants. funny how I somehow feel guilty for wanting to survive this. 17 years with her tells me I tried and failed to make it any better. its just gotten worse , maybe she can survive the change when professionals catch up to her. Im not good at all at fixing this for her, let alone can i see what I can do for fixing whats left of me after this. walken down the road blind and broken for tryen already.
hey before anyone thinks i didnt give it enough, i been on this ride for the last 4 years with her loaded on this stuff. and been the one wiping the drool off the side of her lip along side with the tears when it became so obvious we were hurting from all this. Hell , i dont know how long shes been on the stuff cept for the last 4 years when it just became one crisis event to the next , what, you think im suppose to soften up and get all supportive ? how about i started with that and it took it all away , is that something that real people can go through? does it get to that place when it melts through the skin and tear into a bone? nah. im super man an endless supply of having someone you love with all your heart walk down a 4 lane highway as the cars scream past and you know they are drunk and cant reason what is right in front of them? how about that person is a mother to your 14 year old kid! who has medical issues himself and cant reason through any kind of drama past a tiny cut, so whats coming next?? i can see it . she doesn't care!?? she thinks im over reacting! do you? holy shit man!! yea! someone better cause .. never mind!
see this is like the level of drama that fires through my days and nights now..just breathing this and reasoning on ways to work through it so it dosnt go to that bad place for anyone here. like im dong a good enough job now when she does what she wants and lies to hide it to my face as she slips into a mini coma between her thoughts so much so i have to snap her back to being awake. for the last two nights she literally gets knocked out ,she falls asleep in one position and doesn't even move till she wakes up many hours later without a stir. dude its obvious..its dead sleep. coma like. shallow breaths..like shes not breathing...thats rare for her..and scary as shit to lay next to her like that to even try and sleep myself. trust me i wake up allot to check and see if she breathing..fuck man! what its come to.
hey before anyone thinks i didnt give it enough, i been on this ride for the last 4 years with her loaded on this stuff. and been the one wiping the drool off the side of her lip along side with the tears when it became so obvious we were hurting from all this. Hell , i dont know how long shes been on the stuff cept for the last 4 years when it just became one crisis event to the next , what, you think im suppose to soften up and get all supportive ? how about i started with that and it took it all away , is that something that real people can go through? does it get to that place when it melts through the skin and tear into a bone? nah. im super man an endless supply of having someone you love with all your heart walk down a 4 lane highway as the cars scream past and you know they are drunk and cant reason what is right in front of them? how about that person is a mother to your 14 year old kid! who has medical issues himself and cant reason through any kind of drama past a tiny cut, so whats coming next?? i can see it . she doesn't care!?? she thinks im over reacting! do you? holy shit man!! yea! someone better cause .. never mind!
see this is like the level of drama that fires through my days and nights now..just breathing this and reasoning on ways to work through it so it dosnt go to that bad place for anyone here. like im dong a good enough job now when she does what she wants and lies to hide it to my face as she slips into a mini coma between her thoughts so much so i have to snap her back to being awake. for the last two nights she literally gets knocked out ,she falls asleep in one position and doesn't even move till she wakes up many hours later without a stir. dude its obvious..its dead sleep. coma like. shallow breaths..like shes not breathing...thats rare for her..and scary as shit to lay next to her like that to even try and sleep myself. trust me i wake up allot to check and see if she breathing..fuck man! what its come to.
I already took her once to the ER because she was so loaded. they just said to her cut it back..cut it out. and sent her home after she acted all this was a misunderstanding ..like ooops too much last night.
yea were all adults here ..but seriously, stupid can get real at any age.
its like a train wreck and were caught in suspended animation and can see whats next..any second now.
I worry about my kid the most through all this..I wanna jump off and catch him. and her! but ya know..? yea.
reasonably i should just get off this ride and get my head together to fix what i can when it slides off the side of the road. at least in that place i can control what sort of drama lands in my kitchen, I can cook through that kind of sense rather then this melt down to feed out what I can call good to someone who might want it. or better yet use it for some good. like Eno. hes only 14 .
see i dont want to be the one to make things go where they want to go anyway. I have to jump the damage and rush to the catch. did it before through 3 kids with my other wife of 16 years. but in that instance i couldn't make it work out either. and didn't have a choice in that instance to play this same card. didn't end on the count of drugs then. it just ended cause of differences and pent up spite. Kids ended up hating me and i couldn't recover the aftermath. they hated i got married again, they hated my music and they hated me. i hated life living through all of it..bet they would love to see this end for me here. hell, so many haters , people i thought were friends who flipped on me , so many i stand alone right now. yep. not a person to tell . lol. wow what a life right?
yea ..hero to none villain to all. how come? hell i dont know ! seriously. Im the last to know and the first to go.
odd though , im sooo numb right now ..sober for so many years still and typing all this..just feel dumb and stupid.
like i messed up finding the fix for any of this, and I feel like I deserve it somehow,
fug it. its just life. real as it gets..
see ya on the other side of this.
Cheers .
yea were all adults here ..but seriously, stupid can get real at any age.
its like a train wreck and were caught in suspended animation and can see whats next..any second now.
I worry about my kid the most through all this..I wanna jump off and catch him. and her! but ya know..? yea.
reasonably i should just get off this ride and get my head together to fix what i can when it slides off the side of the road. at least in that place i can control what sort of drama lands in my kitchen, I can cook through that kind of sense rather then this melt down to feed out what I can call good to someone who might want it. or better yet use it for some good. like Eno. hes only 14 .
see i dont want to be the one to make things go where they want to go anyway. I have to jump the damage and rush to the catch. did it before through 3 kids with my other wife of 16 years. but in that instance i couldn't make it work out either. and didn't have a choice in that instance to play this same card. didn't end on the count of drugs then. it just ended cause of differences and pent up spite. Kids ended up hating me and i couldn't recover the aftermath. they hated i got married again, they hated my music and they hated me. i hated life living through all of it..bet they would love to see this end for me here. hell, so many haters , people i thought were friends who flipped on me , so many i stand alone right now. yep. not a person to tell . lol. wow what a life right?
yea ..hero to none villain to all. how come? hell i dont know ! seriously. Im the last to know and the first to go.
odd though , im sooo numb right now ..sober for so many years still and typing all this..just feel dumb and stupid.
like i messed up finding the fix for any of this, and I feel like I deserve it somehow,
fug it. its just life. real as it gets..
see ya on the other side of this.
Cheers .
Seems Edd has taken allot of things to heart and has made some hard changes to her willingness to try and cut back her doses, shes been doing well with adjusting. Im holding on to see how well we can turn this for the better. its been about 3 weeks now and its looking almost like we can break through to some alternative state of interacting. I cant make any promises but i know this is a hard bottom were hitting and stumbling through. usually these are when the real changes kick in. Im hopeful and optimistic and can feel a sense of awe growing..i dont exactly know from where it comes..i will take it from anywhere at this point..
stay tuned. were going to ride this through. see what shows up.
Update:August 24th 2020
Well..the story from the last update is that she had made some promises to cut back, it looked good like she was getting better after a week or so then out of nowhere she started going into these dream spells..glassy eyed, slow slurred speech, slow motion actions, constant itching, twitching..one night i came while she was siting in bed watching tv and she was in all slumped over and her Cheetos was all over the bed..food half way off the plate and on the bed like it never made it to her mouth.. i though she done had a stroke or something..she came to like nothing happened..and it was funny to her..and i asked her what the hell is she on? if shes been cutting back like she said..and every time she goes into these spells ..she comes up with im tired..or i didnt take anything..just tired..like who is she fooling..so after several back to back incident like this i decided to follow her around to see if she had been doing something out of her sayen of what she was doing..sure enough ..i found her extra stash, a bottle of extra opiate pills in a box in the closet and called her on it..all i can say is her melt down from that is still in play as i type this. she agreed to let me hand her the pills when she is suppose to take them..and that put me in the worst place..i go through psychological attacks as well as spiritual breakdowns..i cant find any peace or sleep good..i already got kicked out to the garage and she took her pills back and then i was trying to find a ride to leave she took the phone and the car keys so i was stuck in the garage..hours went by and she came out to stop me from leaving and said sorry and handed me the pill bottle...i seen the pills were half empty and asked her if she took some out..and to my surprise she went inside walked to a cup in the kitchen and poured into her hand from the cup a hand full of pills..here I am now a week into doing this again..handing her her pills at the proper times and waiting for her to make the effort to tapper off like she agreed to. I dont have much hope in this going to end well at this point and have no place to go after this blows up like its heading..im still looking and its just hard.
Update: October 21 2020
Still here, waiting for her to change , still dealing with her getting loaded and preaching like shes just tired, I cant confront her she now gets dramatic and starts fights , follows me around now taunting me to say anything about it, she attacks any word I try to use in attempt to describe what im seeing, screams that i dont have the right to accuse her of taking anything, that if i dont have proof, i cant say or think shes blah blah ..so just say to her shes showing "symptoms" of being under the influence, and leave it there, but nooo, Im crazy! seeing things, its all in my mind, and when i start to leave to get away to deal with my emotions about it all, she gets aggressive, starts to follow me around , grabs the phone..takes the car keys, locks me out, tells me i cant even pack my stuff to leave..and then tops it off with beating herself when i say i want to call the cops for help..she wont even let me use the phone that is "both ours" Im feeling trapped and crazy as she attacks my ability to reason to deal with any of this on my own, she blames me for talking to my kids about it..who are grown up adults who have family's of their own..i took some video of her in this state..nodding out in between conversations , so many times that i could record it happening, this is my daily life for months...use to be every other day or so..now its getting to be regular life around here...I dont run around all the time with a camera..its just that she making me feel i need to prove it ..god forbid i show her herself on video..she will attack me endlessly. claim i dont have a right to video her, stalking me around provoking me to delete it..dont people do that on their phones when they are being put into positions that are out of the ordinary? dont i get to document what im going through? im ALWAYS telling her now to go take a nap ..but she wont..she walks around and does things in fits, i should also mention the part that she builds her self up into a rage and balls up her fists and proceeds to beat herself..literally punching herself in the head, shes the kind of person im learning now that will say i did that to her..seriously am starting to see that come out now as who she really is..this beating herself has always been a thing with her..she gets really emotional like that, builds things up into these psychotic tantrums - she looses her shit, i dont know why i was shocked one time when i went to grab my cloths out a drawer to put them into a garbage bag, to hurry up and get away from her.. she came at me so fast grabbing things out of my hand, i put my hand up to push her hand away from grabbing my cloths, then she started screaming i assaulted her..like someone was in the room ..it was just soo crazy..who was she yelling that too? always taking it to extreme mode.
Im not seeing any way to fix this except to get myself out of here..shes getting violent and more aggressive now in her attacks to push fights when i try to avoid her, i tell her she too loaded for me to be around she comes after me taunting me to prove it.-..but how.do i prove it? .she will deny and delete anything i could show her, i know better to try any more, its just opens me up to her attacks..she gets aggressive and abusive provoking me so i cave to say she not high..im making this all up and that I dont have any right to claim what is my own opinion that she is high and loaded, on something - i dont know what anymore... -Im trying to leave, I dont have no place to go, no job, no money, no friends that can help.
but..i want to get her some help, but when she doesn't even want it cause shes fine..its just me..and if i leave im hurting her..im selfish I dont appreciate anything good she ever did - and shell say things like what about our son, look what youl do to him if you leave. yea im still sitting here..loosing my mind. - through the years she bought all my gear i work with now, i built things up to make it all i do..she always told me to do the music and dont worry about anything else, and we never needed anything...i tried to get her into the music with me..putting her in the center as i just made the music..now cause I cant work with her being loaded, Im the one whos ruining it all..and i dont get to take anything..just my cloths, no phone. nothing.. just as i came into this relationship..is how ill leave.
Im tired of hiding this..and im tired for tryen now...aint got anything left, just the shame of believing all this was worth something ..soo burnt out from all this, im so done with it all.
Update: Dec 13 2020
Update: October 21 2020
Still here, waiting for her to change , still dealing with her getting loaded and preaching like shes just tired, I cant confront her she now gets dramatic and starts fights , follows me around now taunting me to say anything about it, she attacks any word I try to use in attempt to describe what im seeing, screams that i dont have the right to accuse her of taking anything, that if i dont have proof, i cant say or think shes blah blah ..so just say to her shes showing "symptoms" of being under the influence, and leave it there, but nooo, Im crazy! seeing things, its all in my mind, and when i start to leave to get away to deal with my emotions about it all, she gets aggressive, starts to follow me around , grabs the phone..takes the car keys, locks me out, tells me i cant even pack my stuff to leave..and then tops it off with beating herself when i say i want to call the cops for help..she wont even let me use the phone that is "both ours" Im feeling trapped and crazy as she attacks my ability to reason to deal with any of this on my own, she blames me for talking to my kids about it..who are grown up adults who have family's of their own..i took some video of her in this state..nodding out in between conversations , so many times that i could record it happening, this is my daily life for months...use to be every other day or so..now its getting to be regular life around here...I dont run around all the time with a camera..its just that she making me feel i need to prove it ..god forbid i show her herself on video..she will attack me endlessly. claim i dont have a right to video her, stalking me around provoking me to delete it..dont people do that on their phones when they are being put into positions that are out of the ordinary? dont i get to document what im going through? im ALWAYS telling her now to go take a nap ..but she wont..she walks around and does things in fits, i should also mention the part that she builds her self up into a rage and balls up her fists and proceeds to beat herself..literally punching herself in the head, shes the kind of person im learning now that will say i did that to her..seriously am starting to see that come out now as who she really is..this beating herself has always been a thing with her..she gets really emotional like that, builds things up into these psychotic tantrums - she looses her shit, i dont know why i was shocked one time when i went to grab my cloths out a drawer to put them into a garbage bag, to hurry up and get away from her.. she came at me so fast grabbing things out of my hand, i put my hand up to push her hand away from grabbing my cloths, then she started screaming i assaulted her..like someone was in the room ..it was just soo crazy..who was she yelling that too? always taking it to extreme mode.
Im not seeing any way to fix this except to get myself out of here..shes getting violent and more aggressive now in her attacks to push fights when i try to avoid her, i tell her she too loaded for me to be around she comes after me taunting me to prove it.-..but how.do i prove it? .she will deny and delete anything i could show her, i know better to try any more, its just opens me up to her attacks..she gets aggressive and abusive provoking me so i cave to say she not high..im making this all up and that I dont have any right to claim what is my own opinion that she is high and loaded, on something - i dont know what anymore... -Im trying to leave, I dont have no place to go, no job, no money, no friends that can help.
but..i want to get her some help, but when she doesn't even want it cause shes fine..its just me..and if i leave im hurting her..im selfish I dont appreciate anything good she ever did - and shell say things like what about our son, look what youl do to him if you leave. yea im still sitting here..loosing my mind. - through the years she bought all my gear i work with now, i built things up to make it all i do..she always told me to do the music and dont worry about anything else, and we never needed anything...i tried to get her into the music with me..putting her in the center as i just made the music..now cause I cant work with her being loaded, Im the one whos ruining it all..and i dont get to take anything..just my cloths, no phone. nothing.. just as i came into this relationship..is how ill leave.
Im tired of hiding this..and im tired for tryen now...aint got anything left, just the shame of believing all this was worth something ..soo burnt out from all this, im so done with it all.
Update: Dec 13 2020
I guess i gotta tell the universe "thank you", turns out things took a weird turn for the better, its not a sure thing, but it does have a few weeks now telling this to be something worth mentioning. The spells stopped and its like the clouds started to dissolve, some sun coming through and the rain stopped. After having sat through the idea of taking off, I tied myself to the chair and went through a good week of defeated self defeat drama...i sat in for a good long time..i just started to feel like i could just not attach myself to it. I walked past enough to know there was a separate space i could breath in..I then realized that Im not this storm, im just going through it...I can put myself in place in my head that I know Im better then this, So..a few trys at that and I watched as in her world she came to a place where she broke herself..i remember seeing her wake up after one of these spells and she couldn't remember anything..there were like a couple of those back to back..and then..it was her looking at herself without a mind sort of thing..she didn't know what day or how to talk in fact..sentences just didn't make any sense..its like when someone who has amnesia forgets how to talk..Im sure that was a shock for her cause soon as that episode played, It just stopped. she regained her mind after about a week and she began to sort her life out ..I stood by encouraging and cheering her on..so happy she pulled the plug out of whatever that was, I stated to pull some of the tracks back up and made attempts to clean up her chair in the studio so in the off chance she would find a spark to find her way to it. That didn't happen..in fact the whole idea was as it always was..she never brought it up and i stayed away from pushing it. I might have mentioned it a few times, but gave it up seeing that she was more into her daily hourly ritual of cultivating her safety bubble while she listened to her hip hop dance videos and chasing her lifestyle of music she was obviously into.
So I realized my music wasn't something she could ever get into being that inspired about, at the heart of it, I worked with real enthusiasm before and know the difference when someone is just playing like they just want the Idea and dont want to work at it...I decided to make an add and post it up someplace inviting struggling artist that might be opened to having me as a member or player. I took to forcing myself onto an acoustic guitar and making my way into relearning the concept of "play and sing". I sound raw and just like im learning...If thats all i can be..then thats were youl find me..start fresh and work my way to finding friends that want to make music for the love of it..I bought a backpack and a sleeping bag, i was on my way to buying a tent and i let her in on the idea that i was going to do that and she cleaned out my bank card and i been tryen to get money in to get one..we got a settlement from and old case in the last few weeks.I somehow got talked into giving it all to her for Christmas, all gone.it was just about 800 dollors. could have been enough for me to get a tent and few other items like a case for my guitar ..socks, pants, headlamp..etc.*poof* gone before i seen it. a week after that we got a 60 day notice to move out, turns out they sold the place ..landlord pointed us to another place we could go so we tossed in our application for that..and you know what..its down the block to the place she gets all her pills (that 'dont exist.') .as apposed to now its a 20 minute drive to that.hmm.i can see it coming, not to doubt in hopes presence, but i find all this like a bat signal screaming for "help". is this change for the good? or..but in case. .I started looking into communes to join..i found a couple i could toss in my application.. i found a site that matches you with other travelers to places..so i dont go out alone into the wild..lol.. broke like a joke and just a guitar with no songs lol..what the hell?. so last few days i gave it a shot and connected to a live webcast spot and turned on the stream and did a wild freestyle jam..made it up on the spot..I mean gotta start someplace right? lol I could even read the chat while i was streaming..i didnt know how to get it to pop up in the screen without it jacking up the streaming app..i got dsl speeds ..i get at best something like kbs per sec upload, not mgb . anyway..did like 3 hours of jamming and it saved itself online to the stream site..I found it after and deleted it..i was so embarrassing. I downloaded the vid so can review to find a few songs scrap ideas to start my new career with. lets just say from sifting through it, i wanted to hurt myself and just end it. I put it up on soundcloud and on the music page , Its all i have left..what am i gonna do? I gave her hints i put up a few tracks that i just did..she didnt hear them or ask me for the links ever since..been a couple of days now..bet you ..i can bet you ..as i type this..if if i just walked into her room right now, I can bet you shed be in her bubble on her headphones listening and watching her hip hop dance videos. Yea i get it..its her life and shes into what she wants..let her be..fair..
just dont send her in my bubble pretending to be interested or a part of whats happening with me musically , never mind. I get it. trust me..our dynamic is so done.
Anywayyyy
I looked into Patreon last night and holy crap was that always that complicated? turns out silent company was already registered..had to use her name and stuff to get into it, sigh..dude..its hard for me..seriously. i should be homeless and eating out of soup kitchens right now, at this point im wanting a drink so I can call it my new lifestyle..yea..next on my list guitar case and tent..going to poke around my town see what turns up.
February 24 2021
So, since the 60 notice I figured it be good idea to bury the idea of focusing on this drug issue move everyone into this new place safe and good, then see how she plays it, being she was promising that it all was going to be different, I mean she did go 3 weeks now ever since I packed us all up and got us all in this new place..she was back to her old self again, talking allot and being funny and generally hyper stressed and out of her mind with everything being out of place for a time here..she put allot of effort in letting me know how this was all going to be new and good and..yea..it was for like 3 weeks..after having settled in and were started 3 weeks now getting cozy into this new place..and boom ..her nodding off starts up again, the slurred slow speech..sluggish thinking, same old stuff like before...and yea...her lying and denial thing..like, catch her nodding off..and wake her up and she argues she didnt nod out ...im seeing things, again and again. Soo. as much as i was trying to be hopeful, almost had me believing it was over...in fact i was setting up another acoustic casting session the day all this became obvious. wow..just the same day she nodded out 3 times and i was like holy shit! duh..and i was put down like a bad dog for noticing, as of now its been 3 days since that day and i set myself up to sleep on the couch and writing this while she in the bed sitting up all nodded out head all slummed over like junkies do when you pass them in the city alleys. She does that itching thing too like they do, talking all in their neck like someones choking there words and mumbling like they do..classic junkie gestures, slow fading itching hands, twitching as the drift into dreams . So i said to her im going to go get help, like speak to a family crisis counselor about the drama going on around here..lord knows i could use a conversation thats sane and im not the one crazy. but with all the vaccinations kicking of i dont want send us all through a emergency family intervention situation. im going to slow my reactions down and see how far this can go before i need to take us down an intervention path. i have to mention something i noticed, from all this happening, her moment when she has some time in her normal state, her behavior is becoming more childlike, erratic, and panic driven, a uncomfortable observation for me, i have to reel her in more and more to whats 'normal life'...and here i reread the what im saying and have to ask myself, am I the one in a panic driven state of mind, and lost or disconnected to whats 'normal life' ? ..is this all in my head?
So I realized my music wasn't something she could ever get into being that inspired about, at the heart of it, I worked with real enthusiasm before and know the difference when someone is just playing like they just want the Idea and dont want to work at it...I decided to make an add and post it up someplace inviting struggling artist that might be opened to having me as a member or player. I took to forcing myself onto an acoustic guitar and making my way into relearning the concept of "play and sing". I sound raw and just like im learning...If thats all i can be..then thats were youl find me..start fresh and work my way to finding friends that want to make music for the love of it..I bought a backpack and a sleeping bag, i was on my way to buying a tent and i let her in on the idea that i was going to do that and she cleaned out my bank card and i been tryen to get money in to get one..we got a settlement from and old case in the last few weeks.I somehow got talked into giving it all to her for Christmas, all gone.it was just about 800 dollors. could have been enough for me to get a tent and few other items like a case for my guitar ..socks, pants, headlamp..etc.*poof* gone before i seen it. a week after that we got a 60 day notice to move out, turns out they sold the place ..landlord pointed us to another place we could go so we tossed in our application for that..and you know what..its down the block to the place she gets all her pills (that 'dont exist.') .as apposed to now its a 20 minute drive to that.hmm.i can see it coming, not to doubt in hopes presence, but i find all this like a bat signal screaming for "help". is this change for the good? or..but in case. .I started looking into communes to join..i found a couple i could toss in my application.. i found a site that matches you with other travelers to places..so i dont go out alone into the wild..lol.. broke like a joke and just a guitar with no songs lol..what the hell?. so last few days i gave it a shot and connected to a live webcast spot and turned on the stream and did a wild freestyle jam..made it up on the spot..I mean gotta start someplace right? lol I could even read the chat while i was streaming..i didnt know how to get it to pop up in the screen without it jacking up the streaming app..i got dsl speeds ..i get at best something like kbs per sec upload, not mgb . anyway..did like 3 hours of jamming and it saved itself online to the stream site..I found it after and deleted it..i was so embarrassing. I downloaded the vid so can review to find a few songs scrap ideas to start my new career with. lets just say from sifting through it, i wanted to hurt myself and just end it. I put it up on soundcloud and on the music page , Its all i have left..what am i gonna do? I gave her hints i put up a few tracks that i just did..she didnt hear them or ask me for the links ever since..been a couple of days now..bet you ..i can bet you ..as i type this..if if i just walked into her room right now, I can bet you shed be in her bubble on her headphones listening and watching her hip hop dance videos. Yea i get it..its her life and shes into what she wants..let her be..fair..
just dont send her in my bubble pretending to be interested or a part of whats happening with me musically , never mind. I get it. trust me..our dynamic is so done.
Anywayyyy
I looked into Patreon last night and holy crap was that always that complicated? turns out silent company was already registered..had to use her name and stuff to get into it, sigh..dude..its hard for me..seriously. i should be homeless and eating out of soup kitchens right now, at this point im wanting a drink so I can call it my new lifestyle..yea..next on my list guitar case and tent..going to poke around my town see what turns up.
February 24 2021
So, since the 60 notice I figured it be good idea to bury the idea of focusing on this drug issue move everyone into this new place safe and good, then see how she plays it, being she was promising that it all was going to be different, I mean she did go 3 weeks now ever since I packed us all up and got us all in this new place..she was back to her old self again, talking allot and being funny and generally hyper stressed and out of her mind with everything being out of place for a time here..she put allot of effort in letting me know how this was all going to be new and good and..yea..it was for like 3 weeks..after having settled in and were started 3 weeks now getting cozy into this new place..and boom ..her nodding off starts up again, the slurred slow speech..sluggish thinking, same old stuff like before...and yea...her lying and denial thing..like, catch her nodding off..and wake her up and she argues she didnt nod out ...im seeing things, again and again. Soo. as much as i was trying to be hopeful, almost had me believing it was over...in fact i was setting up another acoustic casting session the day all this became obvious. wow..just the same day she nodded out 3 times and i was like holy shit! duh..and i was put down like a bad dog for noticing, as of now its been 3 days since that day and i set myself up to sleep on the couch and writing this while she in the bed sitting up all nodded out head all slummed over like junkies do when you pass them in the city alleys. She does that itching thing too like they do, talking all in their neck like someones choking there words and mumbling like they do..classic junkie gestures, slow fading itching hands, twitching as the drift into dreams . So i said to her im going to go get help, like speak to a family crisis counselor about the drama going on around here..lord knows i could use a conversation thats sane and im not the one crazy. but with all the vaccinations kicking of i dont want send us all through a emergency family intervention situation. im going to slow my reactions down and see how far this can go before i need to take us down an intervention path. i have to mention something i noticed, from all this happening, her moment when she has some time in her normal state, her behavior is becoming more childlike, erratic, and panic driven, a uncomfortable observation for me, i have to reel her in more and more to whats 'normal life'...and here i reread the what im saying and have to ask myself, am I the one in a panic driven state of mind, and lost or disconnected to whats 'normal life' ? ..is this all in my head?
March 11 2021
Ok, I just had to do it, I have been going through back to back days of her constantly being in this doped up medicated state and have been diligent on trying to nail down a good reason for me to stick it out and commit my efforts to trying to make things different , it feel like down deep i been seeing this moment coming that i am in now..I been somehow trying to steer away from this being a thing i have to go through. I mean after all the effort to try and make things different and stick to the plan to be a good person through this..be of support and yada yada..I dont know..but i tried to be that person. .anyway..its been days and as anyone following this can see..its been a long time..months..and years now even..I can only go through this sort of stuff before im not a person..it eats at me everyday now..trying to wake up and hope..and inch my way through this with some dignity.Anyway..so I been trying to get her to level with me about whats going on..what shes taking and whatever..just to get me out of the dark cause I want to try to be legit and right about all thats is our life together ..and she boldly tells me shes not on anything..even when all her actions and symptoms scream "Doped up high" ..she swears.and keeps coming after me to force me to check my thinking..its always that i see it wrong and making it up from my anxiety...dude..It soo stress full yes..and its driving me crazy..i dont even know if im sane anymore..after tonight i know that i am..and ill get into that..after all these days she came to me last night and said sorry i hurt you, cried on my shoulder and i let things go..but that never told me that i was right..just like if someone crys and says im sorry YOU are hurting about all that YOU are going through..thing. so she did mention it in one of her heated temper tantrums about how im disillusioned and should record her to vindicate HER..well..i woke up with a inner hunch to do it today..i did record her in spots before..but kept the recordings in case, I know that if I ever shown her these, its would make her have melt down, getting her to chase me around endlessly to erase them, I figured id hold on to them in case i have to prove myself if anything ever went bad, seeing she has this tendency to make me a scapegoat to bury her own ass from troubles she creates for herself and wont face up to...So today i followed this hunch. she went on her little run out to the store today..like it was some grand emergency....because she already knew i was going to be busy doing things. She rushed out to use that time i told her last night i want to get done a few things and didn't want to go out..even though last night a barely got any sleep due to her being supper high and playing her head games,trying to convince me that im crazy....so while she went out i put the camera on this shelf in the room she hides out in to get high..and I set it to record..and wouldn't you know..the film shows, her coming back from her store run, pulling things out of her purse peeking around the cracked bedroom door..stuffs it in these little spots in the back of her drawer and then proceeds to take them back out ..puts a few in her hand and pops them..drinks something..yada yada..the whole time peeking around the half closed door to make sure im not coming..she does this whole routine..It shows i come in a few minutes later and ask her if shes taken any meds yet....cause i have to be sure, knowing the camera is running, i need her to be obvious , so theres no misunderstanding. and she swears!, puts her hand up and swears "no"..after seeing the video..i was like WTF? video shows i leave the room..the film shows her digging through her purse, pulling something else out and then hiding that...who knows..peeking round the door..seeing this all after..im screaming in my head..See!!..IM not crazy.!! I get real scared inside ..seeing this..waking up to it..like who is this person who can swear to my face and to God and turn and do this?? .I know that confronting her will produce a melt down that i might end up in jail for the shit she could lie about to spite me for standing up for myself..shes gonna turn this on me..shes such a fucked up person ..she lies all the time..caught her using my name for loans behind my back and god know what else.. shit..my credit is shot cause of her doing this to me without my knowing.i couldn't even get my share of my stimulus checks that came, and for what it looks like I cant ever get any of the ones if they ever come....i get lied to all the time..ALL the time! any subject..dude..so fucked. what eles is she doing with my name? I cant see a way out..i tryed to pray..i emailed pastors and tried to talk to..hoping God would lend me a rope through this..nothing bu the voice in my head..and this blog...I find this very disturbing and as of tonight..i dont know if im going to make it..this could be my last post ever. Im a few hours away from having to confront her to vindicate that im not crazy and for the reason she will go crazy! i might record it just in case to save myslef if shit happens..or tell the story of what happened to me, god i hope she doesnt do anything stupid...i dont think im going to make it..I dont know what she capable of ..how dark does a person have to be to do this to someone that loves them..i rather not tell her really..but somehow i feel she will win over the only thing i have left..my sanity, and not being ashamed or afraid to be able to stand up for myself. God help us all. I dont know who shes texting in the room besides all this..who knows..vid shows her doing that on and off too..i know she threw a sim card out the car window when i accidentally found another phone in the car that was locked with a password..she said she was trying get into it and i said i could do it..she knows i could..so she took the sim out and threw it out the window..go figure lol..for real..eno was in the car for that one, seen and heard the whole thing....anyway..
very sad about all this guys..im not sure how im going to get through the night..heavy sinking sadness..no one to talk to..and i feel cornered..Im not mad..im just realy sad ..very sad..mad isnt even showing up..i guess the mad in me went all into fighting off the IDEA that she wanted me to be the one crazy..and now that i know im not..(almost believed i was) Im relieved and just very very sad ..this sadness hurts sooo bad guys..broken heart for sure feels like it broke my spirit too
I put this video together to show that im telling the truth. My story is real.
Ok, I just had to do it, I have been going through back to back days of her constantly being in this doped up medicated state and have been diligent on trying to nail down a good reason for me to stick it out and commit my efforts to trying to make things different , it feel like down deep i been seeing this moment coming that i am in now..I been somehow trying to steer away from this being a thing i have to go through. I mean after all the effort to try and make things different and stick to the plan to be a good person through this..be of support and yada yada..I dont know..but i tried to be that person. .anyway..its been days and as anyone following this can see..its been a long time..months..and years now even..I can only go through this sort of stuff before im not a person..it eats at me everyday now..trying to wake up and hope..and inch my way through this with some dignity.Anyway..so I been trying to get her to level with me about whats going on..what shes taking and whatever..just to get me out of the dark cause I want to try to be legit and right about all thats is our life together ..and she boldly tells me shes not on anything..even when all her actions and symptoms scream "Doped up high" ..she swears.and keeps coming after me to force me to check my thinking..its always that i see it wrong and making it up from my anxiety...dude..It soo stress full yes..and its driving me crazy..i dont even know if im sane anymore..after tonight i know that i am..and ill get into that..after all these days she came to me last night and said sorry i hurt you, cried on my shoulder and i let things go..but that never told me that i was right..just like if someone crys and says im sorry YOU are hurting about all that YOU are going through..thing. so she did mention it in one of her heated temper tantrums about how im disillusioned and should record her to vindicate HER..well..i woke up with a inner hunch to do it today..i did record her in spots before..but kept the recordings in case, I know that if I ever shown her these, its would make her have melt down, getting her to chase me around endlessly to erase them, I figured id hold on to them in case i have to prove myself if anything ever went bad, seeing she has this tendency to make me a scapegoat to bury her own ass from troubles she creates for herself and wont face up to...So today i followed this hunch. she went on her little run out to the store today..like it was some grand emergency....because she already knew i was going to be busy doing things. She rushed out to use that time i told her last night i want to get done a few things and didn't want to go out..even though last night a barely got any sleep due to her being supper high and playing her head games,trying to convince me that im crazy....so while she went out i put the camera on this shelf in the room she hides out in to get high..and I set it to record..and wouldn't you know..the film shows, her coming back from her store run, pulling things out of her purse peeking around the cracked bedroom door..stuffs it in these little spots in the back of her drawer and then proceeds to take them back out ..puts a few in her hand and pops them..drinks something..yada yada..the whole time peeking around the half closed door to make sure im not coming..she does this whole routine..It shows i come in a few minutes later and ask her if shes taken any meds yet....cause i have to be sure, knowing the camera is running, i need her to be obvious , so theres no misunderstanding. and she swears!, puts her hand up and swears "no"..after seeing the video..i was like WTF? video shows i leave the room..the film shows her digging through her purse, pulling something else out and then hiding that...who knows..peeking round the door..seeing this all after..im screaming in my head..See!!..IM not crazy.!! I get real scared inside ..seeing this..waking up to it..like who is this person who can swear to my face and to God and turn and do this?? .I know that confronting her will produce a melt down that i might end up in jail for the shit she could lie about to spite me for standing up for myself..shes gonna turn this on me..shes such a fucked up person ..she lies all the time..caught her using my name for loans behind my back and god know what else.. shit..my credit is shot cause of her doing this to me without my knowing.i couldn't even get my share of my stimulus checks that came, and for what it looks like I cant ever get any of the ones if they ever come....i get lied to all the time..ALL the time! any subject..dude..so fucked. what eles is she doing with my name? I cant see a way out..i tryed to pray..i emailed pastors and tried to talk to..hoping God would lend me a rope through this..nothing bu the voice in my head..and this blog...I find this very disturbing and as of tonight..i dont know if im going to make it..this could be my last post ever. Im a few hours away from having to confront her to vindicate that im not crazy and for the reason she will go crazy! i might record it just in case to save myslef if shit happens..or tell the story of what happened to me, god i hope she doesnt do anything stupid...i dont think im going to make it..I dont know what she capable of ..how dark does a person have to be to do this to someone that loves them..i rather not tell her really..but somehow i feel she will win over the only thing i have left..my sanity, and not being ashamed or afraid to be able to stand up for myself. God help us all. I dont know who shes texting in the room besides all this..who knows..vid shows her doing that on and off too..i know she threw a sim card out the car window when i accidentally found another phone in the car that was locked with a password..she said she was trying get into it and i said i could do it..she knows i could..so she took the sim out and threw it out the window..go figure lol..for real..eno was in the car for that one, seen and heard the whole thing....anyway..
very sad about all this guys..im not sure how im going to get through the night..heavy sinking sadness..no one to talk to..and i feel cornered..Im not mad..im just realy sad ..very sad..mad isnt even showing up..i guess the mad in me went all into fighting off the IDEA that she wanted me to be the one crazy..and now that i know im not..(almost believed i was) Im relieved and just very very sad ..this sadness hurts sooo bad guys..broken heart for sure feels like it broke my spirit too
I put this video together to show that im telling the truth. My story is real.
May 31 2021
Last night she almost died. I had her passing out every 3 seconds or so. I asked her what she took to be so out of it, she swore it was the nothing but the same stuff , Noticing her state of denial and the obvious drifting off in the process of having this conversation, I got upset and kept telling her to stop lying, cause just hours before in that day she brought a friend over to our house, this person was there to give her a "tie over," cause she had taken all her meds and had to wait a few days for the refill.
Just the night before I walked by her in one of her moments and she fumbled around with her ipad like she didnt want me to see what she was doing..I pressed her to tell me what she was doing..she was flipping reasons around to why to not show me the screen..It was obvious she was trying to hide something..with her history of doing this type of thing..I stood my ground and didnt give in, after a few minutes back and forth, she finally told me she was giving/loaning a lady 300 dollars, well this same lady shows up the next day with and exchange of pills to tie her over..the odd thing about this lady is we keep running into her in the stores ..and she lives way the hell in another town, 20 minutes away..and these two always bump into each other? .the following week before she wanted me to take her to the store..and it was like realy specific to go to the store at 11..I dint think twice...got to the store ..i noticed this lady sitting in her car as we pulled in..i realized it was the same lady she always been chummy with..the thing is that it took me about 2 minutes to park and let her get out to go in..and i can see the lady in her car, but i didn't mention it..i just watched, so my wife gets out to walk in the store and THEN the lady sees her and then jumps out of her car to follow her into the store....I walked in to see if if anything was going down..and i couldn't find either of them for about a minute or so..looking from isle to isle i finally found my wife and told her "hey,so and so is here, did you two talk yet?" she swore..nope. and the thing is..I found out she had a secret separate phone stashed in her drawer that she was using to text with to talk with this same lady just weeks before.. i mentioned this in my last entry about her texting someone ..turns out it was this lady she was texting (so she says) .. Anyway, back to the point that she paid this lady 300 dollars and she came over the following day, this whole meeting felt like some crazy drug exchange..she drove up our drive way..had some strange dude in the passenger seat..who got out and walked around the front of our house with his pit bull kind of dog..while this lady came in and walked through my house with my wife passing her drugs in one form or the other..money being sent into this ladys account a day before..yea.."ladys borrowing it"..yea right.. ...so two and two..yea..really.."a tie over?" and all the random bumping into one another at the store.. Come on..and just like 3 or 4 hours after this transaction my wife is loaded so bad she cant keep her eyes open.....
So wife's telling me she not high, all in my head..yada yada..I told her im done going through the lies and start to pack..as usual she gets mad and emotional, she say im crazy and paranoid, and need to stop accusing her ..not fair , not fair..and who do i think i am..yada yada..so she comes up with this idea to vindicate herself , to prove that IM crazy..she wants to go to the ER and get a test to show me she didnt take anything..and that if nothing is found i can shut up forever about it. So i said "BET..lets go"..
So off we went to ER, they tested her and said ...yep your overdosing, the test shows your on Opiates, Benzodiazepine, Percocet or Vicodin, and whatever elese she was on.. but the real kicker was that mixing them all was for sure why she was so high..and she was telling the doctor that she didn't take some of the things that came out in the test..and it must be some mistake..she must have rubbed against something that had percocet or vicodin..and it got into her system somehow...ya see? no chance to get the truth out...who do i believe now? the test of course. but thats still no good cause she now says the test is lying. She even said a few times that I call this down from God to make her high, and me and God are against her teaming up to make her into this person. lol like when i found the extra phone hidden in her drawer she said "you forced me to do it" . and all i want to do is see her badly, and all the things good she ever did is suppose to allow for her to do bad things ...sigh, anyway.
We went home after they gave us a prescription to fill that is some sort of spray inhaling thing..that will revive her when and if she stops breathing.. so now im just going to go home and WAIT for her to stop breathing now?!! this is our life day in day out now? mind you , this is all self induced. so her choice ..yes? what am i doing here? I dont have any place to go, walking away from her right now seems reckless,, she has this emotional self destructive streak now thats so raw. and obviously dangerous. always feels like a volatile situation, that something realy bad is about to happen. feels like im standing on a mine. its as though im destined to be here to the end of this..and I pray all the time its not going to be anything bad, that she will wake up and turn and it will change for the better.
It comes in waves now..every other day..at best we go one week and its without these emergency emotional meltdown incidents. soo sad.,
I put in applications to community's that might be excepting interns..maybe someone will open their doors and i can leave this nightmare to take a break ..get some air to replenish my heart, gain some refreshed perspective. Theirs only so much i can do to not loose my shit just standing by all this.
so..here I am reporting to this screen that this is still happening .hmm
Thinking about my kid in the middle of all this whos stuck here if i go, She wont let me take him and im not even allowed to take our car to pack if i go. no money, no car, no friends. no phone. no place to go. just me with my bad feelings about her being loaded..and then whole time she claims its all in my head... yea..she right, if i dont care. i dont react. so I just watch this all burn and act like its a normal day... well, it aint. and im not running to leave Eno sitting with her all jacked up like this day in and day out..but what can i do? yea, i go and hes gonna find her dead in one of her usual head back half falling in a sitting position...her usual normal day. but with her out cold.dude..i have no clue what im suppose to do now.I contacted every church in my area to ask if theyy can sit with me for a family counseling session..i dont even care what denomination, id join a church if they could help, Id pray every day, as I already do, id sweep the church everyday, paint it..whatever..whats it gonna take? nobody's contacted me back, and I tried 4 of them. even gone to AA for several days, gone to every social services meeting and sat with a few cops for advice..while still staying away from CPS of course. I dont want to have Eno be taken , she would loose her shit and do herself in for sure from that..just to say ..i been going through this for years doing this and nothing is getting better. just worse. I feel stupid cause i cant figure this out. and i type all this to put a message in a bottle like some ship wrecked person to toss it out into waves...whos reading this? .why bother? cause ..this..this is my story...pray for me.
June 15th 2021
hey guys, update, shes stopped doing what ever she was doing..shes been ok for about 5 days now.
I showed her my blog here, she read it and somehow it got her to think about changing. I dont know for sure if this is going to work long term, but this blog is a copy of one i keep on my website, and that one is offline at the moment, it was live as a link to share..but then after her reading it I disabled it..but anyway, that one on my website has a video i put together of the various times i did get a chance to film her during her spells. I posted it for proof that im not crazy and all this isnt made up..its not on this blog here cause it doesn't link from my site to this page for some reason. Anyway..
She ok today. one day at a time..walking through it.
=)
So wife's telling me she not high, all in my head..yada yada..I told her im done going through the lies and start to pack..as usual she gets mad and emotional, she say im crazy and paranoid, and need to stop accusing her ..not fair , not fair..and who do i think i am..yada yada..so she comes up with this idea to vindicate herself , to prove that IM crazy..she wants to go to the ER and get a test to show me she didnt take anything..and that if nothing is found i can shut up forever about it. So i said "BET..lets go"..
So off we went to ER, they tested her and said ...yep your overdosing, the test shows your on Opiates, Benzodiazepine, Percocet or Vicodin, and whatever elese she was on.. but the real kicker was that mixing them all was for sure why she was so high..and she was telling the doctor that she didn't take some of the things that came out in the test..and it must be some mistake..she must have rubbed against something that had percocet or vicodin..and it got into her system somehow...ya see? no chance to get the truth out...who do i believe now? the test of course. but thats still no good cause she now says the test is lying. She even said a few times that I call this down from God to make her high, and me and God are against her teaming up to make her into this person. lol like when i found the extra phone hidden in her drawer she said "you forced me to do it" . and all i want to do is see her badly, and all the things good she ever did is suppose to allow for her to do bad things ...sigh, anyway.
We went home after they gave us a prescription to fill that is some sort of spray inhaling thing..that will revive her when and if she stops breathing.. so now im just going to go home and WAIT for her to stop breathing now?!! this is our life day in day out now? mind you , this is all self induced. so her choice ..yes? what am i doing here? I dont have any place to go, walking away from her right now seems reckless,, she has this emotional self destructive streak now thats so raw. and obviously dangerous. always feels like a volatile situation, that something realy bad is about to happen. feels like im standing on a mine. its as though im destined to be here to the end of this..and I pray all the time its not going to be anything bad, that she will wake up and turn and it will change for the better.
It comes in waves now..every other day..at best we go one week and its without these emergency emotional meltdown incidents. soo sad.,
I put in applications to community's that might be excepting interns..maybe someone will open their doors and i can leave this nightmare to take a break ..get some air to replenish my heart, gain some refreshed perspective. Theirs only so much i can do to not loose my shit just standing by all this.
so..here I am reporting to this screen that this is still happening .hmm
Thinking about my kid in the middle of all this whos stuck here if i go, She wont let me take him and im not even allowed to take our car to pack if i go. no money, no car, no friends. no phone. no place to go. just me with my bad feelings about her being loaded..and then whole time she claims its all in my head... yea..she right, if i dont care. i dont react. so I just watch this all burn and act like its a normal day... well, it aint. and im not running to leave Eno sitting with her all jacked up like this day in and day out..but what can i do? yea, i go and hes gonna find her dead in one of her usual head back half falling in a sitting position...her usual normal day. but with her out cold.dude..i have no clue what im suppose to do now.I contacted every church in my area to ask if theyy can sit with me for a family counseling session..i dont even care what denomination, id join a church if they could help, Id pray every day, as I already do, id sweep the church everyday, paint it..whatever..whats it gonna take? nobody's contacted me back, and I tried 4 of them. even gone to AA for several days, gone to every social services meeting and sat with a few cops for advice..while still staying away from CPS of course. I dont want to have Eno be taken , she would loose her shit and do herself in for sure from that..just to say ..i been going through this for years doing this and nothing is getting better. just worse. I feel stupid cause i cant figure this out. and i type all this to put a message in a bottle like some ship wrecked person to toss it out into waves...whos reading this? .why bother? cause ..this..this is my story...pray for me.
June 15th 2021
hey guys, update, shes stopped doing what ever she was doing..shes been ok for about 5 days now.
I showed her my blog here, she read it and somehow it got her to think about changing. I dont know for sure if this is going to work long term, but this blog is a copy of one i keep on my website, and that one is offline at the moment, it was live as a link to share..but then after her reading it I disabled it..but anyway, that one on my website has a video i put together of the various times i did get a chance to film her during her spells. I posted it for proof that im not crazy and all this isnt made up..its not on this blog here cause it doesn't link from my site to this page for some reason. Anyway..
She ok today. one day at a time..walking through it.
=)
June 23 2021
And it starts again with secret meetings and textings along with the usual head games ..any minute now shes going to show the usual symptoms of being loaded.
waiting for it ..
Ok here is the day after, and I have a story to tell oh my. its not a good idea to say the details online like this, being that it involves a situation that is pretty out there and bares a whole lot of real bad 'stuff' ..I can say this candidly ..she went out of her way and pulled a run around that took me and some unsuspecting others for a ride.. she got her pills..and man did she lie to get them....but it all came to light and she got found out. Over all the trouble she got into for it ..she in the end got her way..she didnt get away from being found out...but got what she wanted from it all. all i gotta say shes knows shes wrong, and she putting on a show to act like it the last time shes ever going to do that. ..basically shes going to tighten up her act so she doesn't get caught next time.
you know in hind sight it looks as though she put me and these others through the headache and lies to punish us for seeing the bad in what she was doing...
sigh, yea, what else can she do if shes living a lie..anyone around tryen to live right gets in her way. I guess the same can be said in reverse. ..polarity's and sparks oh my.
here is something I found on youtube that shows the same thing that im seeing happening to her, happening out in the world.
very sad.
Dec 12 2021
So today I come to finally realize a thing after having gone through this last incident, and there have been many, and that Is that she is a literal classic 5150 personality, but it doesn't express the full display of this unless the conditions distress or threaten her ability to have her way, in particular circumstances the acting out can be minimal yet apparent, none threatening to herself, yet very obvious symptomatic reactions..classic rage and uncontrollable lashing out at her surroundings, one might find the need to back away, but stand guard. Now, having mentioned that, I need to now mention that I have repeatedly come across the level up to this one particulate emotional place..that it WILL become violent, and she does come to display this in the form of raging out repeated blows to her self, she will ball up her fist and beat her head, chest, legs, and on occasion she reaches out to objects nearby to use to hit her self. I believe in having gone through many of these incidents that to try and stop her is a risk, but can be managed. she can be talked down on occasion, I find that its a volatile place that mainly involves her self harming herself and not outright being something she has come to attack my person physically. I cant say for sure that this is a not a possibility, I see that when she is "uncontrollable" that is what i mean..restraining is necessary, its a delicate place to be. and anything could show up in that place , and at this time from having gone through the many times before, its a place that escalates. and the reactions now are outright displays that reach exorcist proportions. Screaming like a banshee, throwing of things, punching of walls, violent body shaking and twitching, a state of irrational thinking and acting out. through my years of living on the streets i have run across these people under these same spells and generally always have that 5150 as a tag to there names. I tried to undermine this aspect about her and just wrote it off, people get upset right? i mean i have been in places like this myself, I get pushed to being angry and I get upset, I know that under certain circumstance's I can loose my shit. I don't go off on myself like mentioned above, and its a rare time, when I punched a wall, I many times I have walked myself away from circumstances that I can see ahead of time that will take me to that place. I find myself needing to walk away from her when she gets emotional and starts to attack my reasoning many times..and this is the thing..i cant be putting myself in the mix of her going 5150, I KNOW I am not qualified to deescalate things at the levels shes now taking things. I am writing this to activate this as proof, that I have asked for help.
She is conniving, deceitful, and now, I am adding a tag of 5150.
she steals, lies, and has no moral investments in any of the classic paths I know of. She fronts as Buddest, not invested in practicing anything, says its a thing you dont need practice. go figure. involves her days isolation herself and investigating and watching documentary's or TV series on criminal behavior or on drug addicts, anything that involves compulsive out of control lifestyles. spent most of her days loaded on pain meds to the degree it was obvious out of control , being called on it she fails to admit she has a problem. yet rationalizing that its me who is seeing things, imagining her loaded etc..even if you find her passed out high, (often the case) waking her up from these repeatedly she comes up with reasons outside being loaded. hell Im not even allowed to say the word in her presence, one of the many descriptive words banned from our relationship vocabulary.
Anyway.. buys drugs online, or through friends, hides them, takes them, and I am put into the position to disperse her prescriptions, to keep things sane, yet, she steals them back to 'hide for rainy days'. leading me on endless campaigns of my hopes for a change, keeping my good nature emotionally hostage to her beck and call, not having any regard to the damage over time this has cost our relationship or my heart. also finding her undermining points through many a conversations, of her growing mocking attitude of my pursuits to be a spiritually connected person. I try not to take offense in these statements seeing she is highly invested and involved in the lifestyle shes is in. right? I cant save her, I know, I can only show her what works for me, and if she still can't see how it works for me. I move on.
In this case i have to move on, or get a 3rd party to sit through this with me.
Anyway.. buys drugs online, or through friends, hides them, takes them, and I am put into the position to disperse her prescriptions, to keep things sane, yet, she steals them back to 'hide for rainy days'. leading me on endless campaigns of my hopes for a change, keeping my good nature emotionally hostage to her beck and call, not having any regard to the damage over time this has cost our relationship or my heart. also finding her undermining points through many a conversations, of her growing mocking attitude of my pursuits to be a spiritually connected person. I try not to take offense in these statements seeing she is highly invested and involved in the lifestyle shes is in. right? I cant save her, I know, I can only show her what works for me, and if she still can't see how it works for me. I move on.
In this case i have to move on, or get a 3rd party to sit through this with me.